When I began Bible study, I knew I would be writing in my Bible. I was so worried. I would be using a pen, and what if I made a mistake? Would my OCD allow me to not throw the entire Bible out and start again? If that seems weird, let me tell you that I have done that in the past. Writing papers or notes is always difficult for me. If I mess up, I have to start again. It has to look perfect in every way. If I change how my writing looks from one paragraph to another, I start over.
Let me tell you, if I put a sticker, washi tape, or anything in my planner and it isn’t just the way I want it to be, I throw that planner out. If I have to cross off an appointment that I wrote in that got canceled, I throw it away. It drives me up a wall when I attempt to decorate my planner, and it doesn’t turn out the way I thought it would.
So, I began writing in my Bible, knowing that I would end up throwing it away, along with all the hard work I had put into it. It just was what it was. Guess what? It took me all of about two minutes before I made my first mistake. The hardest thing I ever did was not do anything about correcting that mistake. I have used some whiteout once or twice in my Bible, but overall, I just mark through it now.
Don’t even get me started on Scripture Writing. In the beginning, I would print out my pages, and if I didn’t like them, I threw them out and started over. I was writing so much that my arthritis and carpal tunnel caused my hand to seize, and I couldn’t open or close it for about a week.
My need for perfection and the thought that I needed to be perfect in God’s eyes is one I struggle with and may always struggle with. Why is it easier to mess up and move on now? Because after a hundred days of reading and studying the Bible, I have learned that God would rather I come to Him every day in my imperfection than spend an hour just trying to make something perfect before I can concentrate on my time with Him. It’s not anything profound, but for someone like me, it is everything.
It doesn’t bother God that I made a mistake in writing my notes or that my handwriting is a little sloppy that day. All He cares about is that I am learning His word, that I am spending time with Him each day. Trust me, there are plenty of days where my writing is horrible. And you know what? That’s okay. What matters is my heart’s intention and my willingness to come before Him, flaws and all. My journey with OCD and perfectionism is ongoing, but each day, I am reminded that God’s grace is sufficient, and His love for me is not dependent on my perfection.
